Answer to a Question

I've been asked for more information.....

[originally an email on a suzuki group]

Ok, I'll see if I can explain it well.   This is mostly in the individual class, although there has been a bit of it the last 2 weeks in group class, and there used to be more in our practices.

On the day that it is individual class, once Delta realizes it is day for violin class, he will get upset and have a little mini-tantrum.  (jump up and down a few times whining.) - when it is time to go, he will say stuff like "I don't want to go to Miss A's", but will get ready.  When we get there, he may or may not try to avoid getting out of the car.   We go into the class, and he is polite to the teacher, says hello and everything, and gets ready.

The class will vary a bit on various factors - stuff like how he is feeling, and a bit on what he is being asked to do.  Usually (unless he is having a bad day over-all) - it starts out pretty good, and he is co-operative.  Very occasionally, he will make it for most of the lesson (30 minutes) before he "acts up" - which I figure on those occasions it is just that he has reached his limits.   But if something happens that he doesn't like, he will sort of shut down.  He might start by saying his legs are tired, or his arm is tired.  Or he might just pretty much lie down on the floor and ignore the teacher - or may start sort-of drawing on the carpet with his fingers ignoring the teacher.   Basically it comes down to ignoring the teacher.   Or if the teacher is trying to fix his technique, he may just continue to do it his way, maybe shaking her hand off of his shoulder or hand or whatever.

Things that he might not like that can cause this - if playing a game such as snakes & ladders with violin things to do on them --- getting a square that he doesn't like  (either it has a snake, or has a violin activity he doesn't like.)  - same type of thing with the fishing game - getting a card he doesn't like.  The teacher trying to get him to do something differently from the way he is doing it.  Being asked to do something he considers "too hard" (mostly playing with doing fingers instead of open E - although he is slowly betting better at that.)

The teacher generally would end up ending the lesson - which I guess worked with other students she has had after a few times.   But my son just seems relieved.  The last few weeks the teacher has been just using the games instead of trying to teach, just trying to make the lessons a happier experience, and then his last lesson, she tried to gently correct technique, but backed off when he showed signs of resistance - and after that lesson is when she said that she still thought a long break was the best option (but that she would talk to his group teacher to see if she had room to take him, as I've indicated I would prefer trying a different teacher instead of a break.)

For his group lesson, he had been participating happily, doing everything for a whole hour class (which was basically playing the violin for the vast majority of the time) until 2 weeks ago.   2 weeks ago a few things happened.   We had gone to observe a class of another student with his indiv. teacher that day (only day with boys about his age, just a bit ahead of him, that wouldn't get distracted by him) - it happened to be his dad's birthday - and the group teacher started "teaching" all the students to play twinkles using the fingers instead of open E.  (It is an early book 1 class with beginners to kids that are a few pieces into book 1 - but most of them are pretty close to my son's level at this point.)   I think the combo of all of those was just too much for my son, and he spent a lot of that class spinning around on the floor, with me holding his violin and bow so he didn't knock it.   Last class was a lot better, but anything they were asked to use fingers, my son sat on the floor.

What my son has been telling me is basically that "I might play it wrong", or "I might make a mistake".   So it appears to me that I have a boy that has the type of perfectionism that paralyzes him.  He doesn't want to do something until he knows he can do it - which makes it hard to teach him anything new.  I have personally experienced that type of perfectionism, and I know how hard it can be.  I am fairly sure that his stomach gets all tied into knots before class. His teacher is aware of this too.   I talk to him, and I've asked him what he thinks will happen if he plays it wrong - but he can't verbalize what he is worried about.... and I've told him that I'm not worried about him doing it wrong, that I just want him to try - and that this is how you learn, etc.    His teacher is very strong on technique, and seems to require a pretty strong technique before advancing - which I think may be making the perfectionistic tendancies of my son worse - and I think originally made him a bit bored because he wanted to play the violin.  (He was on a box violin for about 3 and a half months - then couldn't play on the violin for a couple more months... etc.)

As for the power struggle - I think he is just struggling to get the lesson over, and to get out of having to have lessons with the teacher.  I'm not sure that he would necessarily be able to verbalize that - but he is basically struggling to play the violin the way he wants to.

I realize that his teacher may have a different viewpoint on things.  Because he is so resistant to any correction on technique, she feels that switching teachers won't help, as any teacher would have to do at least some corrections.  All I know is that there is the student-teacher-parent triangle.  I can't change the student, and I can't change the parent except for changing how I do things.....  and he seems to do things better for me than for the teacher.  So what else does that leave me?

My son was one of those kids that wanted to play the violin on his own idea.  When he was 3 (almost 4), we went into a music store, walked by a lot of instruments - he saw a violin and said it was his violin.  I told him it wasn't, and he suggested it was his "present violin".    He loves music, and really loved the violin.   Of course he wouldn't realize the process to learn to play - but he does still have moments when the love of it comes through still.  I don't want that love totally doused.   He loves to play to visitors to our house, or sometimes for his dad.  He isn't always happy to practice, but they have been going a lot better.

Just one up note here - last night during practice, my son chose to play Twinkle var. A - WITH FINGERS - totally on his own choice.

Power Struggle?

I guess I have a few worries about taking a break....  A part of this has had a power-struggle feel... and I don't want Delta to decide that he can get out of something by acting-up.  And he is bright-enough to figure that out.   I feel that a 6 month break is a waste of time.   Also, he has been working hard on practicing every day, so that he can get his 100 practices in 100 days trophy at the spring concert - and that will not happen if we are out of the program.   And his Echo will be starting in September.

I suggested to the teacher her teaching me again, and him watching, and she has said no to that...  and the program here doesn't do joint classes...    

I know that sometimes a break can make a difference, but I really don't think it will - as things didn't improve for long after the summer break - and I don't "buy" that a 5 year old needs to mature more with a program that a 2 or 3 year old can do.

I just don't see Dr. Suzuki having ever said that this child can't do it now, come back in 7 or 8 months.

Not Giving UP

I don't plan to give up, although if I didn't have a strong belief in the benefits of music, and the suzuki program, I probably would by now.   It has been very difficult going, and certainly not the little ideal dream story of suzuki that you hear of.  My sister did suzuki (she was older than me) - but it seems that no one in the family really remembers what the early years were like....   at some point she would cry all through practices, but I believe it was after she left the suzuki program to learn under a teacher that only taught child prodigy's.

Miss A is supposed to be one of the best around, and seems to have very good technique - but I have wondered at times if she is so "strict" with the technique that some of the kids miss out on the fun of it....   I know there is another mom whose boy is in his first year that is starting to wonder if they have the right teacher.    If I KNEW that another teacher would be a better match for my son, then I would feel better about trying a different one....  yet at the same time, I am going to feel bad that we didn't switch teachers earlier (like this summer) if he suddenly blossoms under another teacher.  

I sure hope that we will be able to setup lessons with his group teacher.

Teacher has given up!

Well, the other day was the first day of 2 of trying to do some light correction - and she has given up.   We have one more lesson, but she thinks we should quit until September and start again hoping that he is "more mature".   I have a hard time seeing how a 5 year old could be less mature than a 2 or 3 year old!  She has made me feel like a failure.

She is also the head of the program here.

She doesn't think that another teacher would be any better with him, as he will require some correction with anyone.  And she said basically that if we wanted to try another teacher, that she would only consider placing him with the teachers with a lot of experience.....  And this week, she said that she would only consider his group teacher (so that there would be the familiarity as well) - and that she wasn't sure the group teacher had any room.    I talked very briefly to the group teacher and she generally keeps her studio list small because she is a nurse - so the time of teaching may vary from week to week.   However, I know from talking to her in the past that she has worked with "strong-willed" students before, as her own son was strong-willed - so although the changing time might be a big pain (and hard on my son, who a steady routine would probably be better) - I think it may go better.

I just am so frustrated.  I'm trying hard to be happy and supportive where- ever my son is in the process.... but I feel like either I failed, which makes me feel bad, or our teacher has failed, which makes me very upset because maybe we would have been further on the road if I had switched teachers last year (or over the summer, like I considered - or heck, even last month.....)    

Have a plan

I've talked to Delta's group teacher (Mrs. J) this morning, and his main teacher (Miss A) this afternoon, and we have a bit of a plan worked out.  

Miss A says that she hasn't experienced a pupil quite like Delta in all her years of teaching - that although she has had students that have done similar things, that he isn't reacting the same with her methods to bring him out of it.  She has admitted that the next few weeks are going to be basically an experiment.  

Delta does love to play the violin, and does often (but not always) have a good practice with me.  But we are stuck in one spot, as Miss A can not teach him anything new.   Basically, Delta doesn't like being corrected at all with technique - and will resist it.  From the bit of talking with him, from what I can get out of him (he doesn't express feelings that well) - he is nervous, and scared of making mistakes - especially with his teacher.    Even in practice with me, I have found that I have to be very careful of how I help him with his technique, and I am working very hard to make sure I always find something good to praise.

I brought up getting a new teacher, but Miss A doesn't think that a new teacher would make a big difference....  he is resistant to correction by me as well as her - and a different  teacher would need to be fixing his technique too.  She said that that is something she has thought out.  However, it may still be a route to take.

So her plan is - the next 2 weeks, she is going to play the games that she uses with him (snakes and ladders, fishing, etc) - and just let him play the violin without her trying to fix any technique or anything.  Just make the lesson fun for him, with no reason for anxiety. She is hoping that this will help break the pattern that his lessons are taking.  The 3rd week, she is going to try to start working with him to improve his technique as gently as possible.  By that point, she feels that she will know if this will end up helping or not.  During that time, we are going to try to observe a couple of lessons with another student.  (She has selected 2 students who are boys near him in age.... and they were both in his group class last year, so he will know them and should be comfortable with them....) - just so that he can see various things - that the other students get corrected with their techniques too, that a class can go well, etc....

If after the 3rd week there isn't any improvement, the week after that is a spring break week.  Her recommendation is at that point to quit until September - but with talking to me on it - at that point we will try a different teacher.  So she (as head of the program here), is going to check which teachers have room.  It is a pretty booked program here, so we will have to see what is available.  She is also hoping to find room for him (if it is found to be necessary) with one of the teachers that has a fair amount of experience.

I honestly think that the poor guy really wants to play the violin so much (he wanted to play violin before I had ever mentioned it as a possibility....) and he wants to do it well - that he puts so much pressure on himself that he gets himself all tied up in knots inside almost paralysing him - so he does dodging tactics until the lesson is over and he can breathe a sigh of relief that the lesson is done.  

The "Practice" Lesson

So we had the "practice"  lesson with the teacher, where she watched me conduct a practice with Delta, who often refuses to do anything in class.  Although it wasn't our smoothest practice, he did do a lot of things, some of which he hasn't done for the teacher in months.   She is going to be calling soon to discuss it more. We had to quit the practice before Delta wanted to because the time was up for the lesson - and the teacher wanted to say a few words - and Delta just went right into the refusal behaviour - refusing to look at her, spinning around, etc.

So - what she said basically is that he has 3 more lessons before the spring break - and that if he isn't showing that he can listen to her and wants to learn, that we should take a break until September.

This really has me upset.  Yes, I can see where she is coming from - but I don't think that that will help at all.  My son is trying for the 100 days of practice in a row award that is given at the end of the year...... so that would be wrecked.  He will be stuck where he is for another 7 months???     To me it is like saying "Every child can learn - oh, except yours......."   I mean, I know that isn't what she is saying, but that is sure what it feels like.    

I'd think maybe it is more an indication that my son needs a different teacher.....  but his teacher is the director of the suzuki program in our city - so I'm not sure that that would even be an option.

Teacher Baffled

Delta is mostly doing practices well recently (but not always) - using a variety approach.  His group lessons seem to go pretty good with him doing what he is supposed to.  But individual lessons are NOT going well, so he isn't getting taught anything new at all, and has been stuck at the same point pretty much all year.   His instructor is supposed to be one of the best ones available (I have heard this from a few sources.)

Anyway, his instructor called, as it was obvious we needed to talk without any listening ears.  She is having us try to do a practice for the lesson next week....  so basically, she is going to sit back and say nothing, and I'm going to try to have Delta do a practice at her place while she observes.  She basically told me on the phone that she is baffled.  Although she has had other students in the past do similar things (refusing to do the lesson, etc) - that the techniques that she uses to get past that just isn't working for my son.  So as the practices are going better most of the time than the lesson, she is hoping to figure out a way to get the lessons moving smoother.  

Hopefully he will co-operate with me during the practice - we had one of our best practices in a long time yesterday, and I'm hoping that the one for the teacher might go as well....    I'm really hoping we can get a breakthrough happening.   That is where we are at.  I am really hoping that we can get him to doing Twinkles before the end of the year, because 2 years of being a pre-twinkler is really hard on us - and it may make it really hard to convince my husband that it is worth the money for next year!